May 16th, 2007


Koulikovianism Intro (SUMMARY)

"Call me Gabziel."

There's a new religion on the block. Gabziel Koulikovian has been chosen to be the ultimate prophet of the only true religion in the world: Koulikovianism, a.k.a. Real Realationism, a.k.a. Unofficial Internet Religion #137, a.k.a. Realigion.

Today (5-20-2002) I became the Profit™ (prophet) of a new religion. The 17 Gods of Real reality revealed to me that I must decode(translate) holy scriptures saved inside Nintarga platinum video game cartridges written in the 1970s, 80s, and 90s. The Goddess D’Nala proclaimed these revelations will be grouped into books in what is to be called the Primary Historical Context (i.e. the first testament). Other revelations from the Gods are to follow soon.

Dreadful sorry our website shut down for so long! We are glad to be online again. More revelation to follow. Please contact us anytime:


On a serious note, I became pretty frustrated at how easy it is to claim the most ridiculous things to be the "true religion," and then get so many followers of your cult. I figured I could do better than them. Within an hour, Koulikovianism was born. It ended up presenting so many possibilities, and started becoming so comprehensive, that I eventually decided to develop it into a full-blown fictional saga. (see the entry on "Why do you write the fiction that you do, and not others?")

Most of these original posts were written in 2002, with a few new ones and some revisions up through 2006.

© Gabriel Koulikov

The Primary Historical Context: Prophetic Introduction

The Introduction to the Primary Historical Context (Platinum Version)
From the Profit Gabziel Koulikovian (5.20.02)

The Platinum Video Game cartridges contained a record that the Gods chose to be translated by prophet 5.20.02. The Goddess D’Nala appeared within me as I was in a used video game store. I was instructed to buy 9 specific video game cartridges, or I would be destroyed. I bought the cartridges and came home. As I sat in my room, I heard a voice speak in a language I had never heard before. “This is the language of the world, Gabziel,” said the Goddess D’Nala, using a pronunciation of my name not many beings use. “It was spoken for human ears to hear, just as those cartridges were written for human eyes to see.” At first I did not understand, but then my eyes were opened. The cartridges became as shiny as platinum, and I immediately understood why I was chosen by the Gods. “The writings encoded on those cartridges are even more valuable than the platinum they are made of, even more valuable than the universe and all that in it is. Gabziel, translate those writings with the knowledge of Triquadra, which you have always known.” As I started to speak, D’Nala left my presence. I immediately connected the cartridges to my computer with the cable of Jates and began to translate.

From the Prophet(ess) Däntín

On the days of rest that are before me, I lay the record of my family; for Gods and man, for waters and mountains, for the many worlds I gave my life for, I give unto you a gift of testimony . For the star that shines in a distant realm, too far distant for anyone to reach, I proclaim a song of remembrance. For the amorphous glow, I give distinction a name. For the crystal palace, I (and many others) give a defense to ensure your protection. For the five, the two, the none, I give two gifts of wisdom, truth, knowledge, and reality. For my closest friend, I give my deepest secret. For all I give my life; and all give their lives for me. Sandrian Neraj Lamshinale, for you I give my language. May all the cosmos proclaim, Triquadra.

© Gabriel Koulikov

1 Method of Repreduction: Chapter 1

Chapter the First

On the final day there were many questions. Those without understanding questioned everything. Those with less understanding questioned nothing. Those with D’Nala were Ones who questioned some and allowed practicality to govern the rest. In one order were Those, and Their number was seventeen. They were wise beyond reason, for from Them reason came. They were not the answer to the questions, but They knew the answer. Knowledge would be with us all, existing independent from those who knew and those whom did not. Knowledge would increase if humans only understood one concept. Knowledge had been limited to very few Beings, Beings who willed to share the knowledge. With one command, one voice, one answer to many questions, the Beings told their people how to grow: “Forward.”

© Gabriel Koulikov

1 Method of Repreduction: Chapter 2

Chapter the Second

It was many moments later that humans came to Earth. As one who is moves toward the sunset, Gaia rode in from the dust of the stars. Humanity traveled in her wake when D’Nala awakened the foreshadowed spirit. Spirit united with flesh, as it is written in the dish, “the flesh decayed, yet the spirit remained united.” Seasons passed, and I was born. My parents were of the stars, one of Alpha Centauri A, one of Alpha Centauri C. The pressure that pushed them here was of little force, even less than the force of de5’5 Trinst. In four fifths of their journey was I born (Sito D’Nala Otiso). Many problems I did face as a child. Many times a blinding green light would streak across the sky. Sometimes it would take our food, sometimes it would take the people traveling with us. When I was old enough to use the Stenogyroscope, I would take us away from the green light. My only job was to point us toward Gaia and move away from the green light. One night I wrote a refrain:

-Light of the night, always bright. As I move us toward daylight
-you find a way to make it less for everyone.
-In a sweat I do wake, can you hear the shriek?
-Louder, louder as I run
-The strobing red above my head
-to let us know that we may not make it
-through the light of the night.

Once my mother, Velaji, recited this to me shortly after I had unsuccessfully moved our vessel. I was frightened at first, then D’Nala appeared and said “Do not fear child. I am raising you up in this way that you may save yourself. The others in your group do not have the courage that you have in facing the Light. There is one who comes at night, but I am with you always.” By this time we had started moving significantly against the pressure, so I was not expecting to live to see Gaia (at that time ramscoops were only theoretical). I was reassured but unsure what I was to fulfill.

© Gabriel Koulikov